My Fertility Journey – Part 3

We started something called cycle monitoring for the first month… Cycle monitoring consisted of blood work and internal ultrasounds daily.  Yes DAILY!  I would wake up every morning and go to the clinic before work.  They had to see what was happening in my ovaries.  Turns out… nothing was happening with my “follicles” which in turn releases eggs.  Yes they don’t teach you this in health class.  I am a Registered Nurse and had no clue what they were talking about lol.  They were so good with explaining everything though.  I learned so much.  I was so upset.  The doctor said everything was fine… how was NOTHING HAPPENING?!?!?!?  My hope was gone again… I would never have kids… Who was I kidding?  So the next step was to induce my period so that I could start a new cycle…  Took meds to induce my period and called them to book a “day 3 appointment.”

Here we go again… daily blood work and internal ultrasounds again.  I was to start cycle monitoring again.  This time however I was to take Clomid; a medication that induces ovulation.  Now let’s take a minute to talk about these fertility drugs.  I think that for me… the worst part of the whole process was taking these drugs.  They were regular pills that were tasteless… but boy were they powerful!  They totally messed with me.  They messed with my mind and emotions big time!  I could no longer stand the sight of my husband (although I did need him in order to get pregnant LOL).  I became a mad woman… and by this I mean that I was so aggressive and I couldn’t control my emotions.  I was constantly fighting with him and even punched him one night.  I was accusing him of having an affair, and just basically fighting with him for anything and everything.  Hubby is a trooper though… he’s a real sweetheart.  He let me punch him and yell at him and knew that it wasn’t really me doing those things to him.  After the medications cleared my body I would look back and apologize profusely to him because I honestly couldn’t control it.  The emotions were so real and so strong!

 

Back to the fertility journey; every time they did my internal ultrasounds tears would fill my eyes.  I had these overwhelming feelings of embarrassment and shame. Why you ask? I’m not sure.  Don’t get me wrong.  The ladies that worked at the clinic were so kind and respectful.  They even had a TV screen on the wall where I could see what they are seeing on the ultrasound screen.  They would even point things out and tell me how big my follicles were and how many were growing on each side.  Turns out that I had 2 follicles growing this cycle…. YAY!  In my mind, I already had twins LOL.  Any little piece of information they told me gave me so much hope.  I would get so excited.  So time went by… the follicles grew and grew… but nothing happened with them. They were supposed to grow to a certain size then “pop” and release an egg… but they just kept growing and nothing happened after that.  After a certain size, the quality of the egg is not good anymore.

They monitored and actually had me take medication that would make me ovulate.  Well let me tell you, I ovulated… I definitely did.  It was an injection in the tummy.  I did it myself (I’m the biggest chicken btw, I give patients needles everyday… but when it came to me giving one to myself… It was so hard!).  I was supposed to ovulate in 18-24hours, something like that.  I was at work and suddenly experienced excruciating pain.  I was literally bent over and curled into a ball.  I had ovulated… pain has never been so sweet!  So we went through with this cycle… waited the 14days and then had to go back to the clinic for a pregnancy test (blood work).  They called me a couple of hours later that day… I was at work.  I excitedly answered the phone my heart was racing.  “I’m sorry but the pregnancy test was negative.”

I was devastated.  I sucked it up and finished the work day.  Nobody had a clue that I was shattered inside…. That I had just gotten the worst news possible.  I got home and lost it.  I cried… I wailed.  I couldn’t control myself.  I look back now and it’s actually funny… but at that particular time it was so devastating.  I remember crying… and saying to my husband “My two eggs are gone.  My two eggs are wasted.   I lost two eggs.”  Remember in my mind I was already pregnant with twins.  My husband was my rock, throughout this whole journey he was so good with me.  He held me tight and reassured me that it’s going to be okay.  Let’s take a quick moment to recognize all those who have successfully became pregnant then had a miscarriage… Ladies… My heart goes out to you.  Thankfully I have never had to go through this… but I don’t even know how I would feel.  If my eggs were gone and I felt these terrible things… how would it feel to actually be pregnant then suddenly be told that you aren’t anymore?  To all those who have gone through this… hats off to you my sisters, I look up to you.  It takes great courage and strength to accept such a loss and continue moving through life.  God bless you all!

****Stay tuned for part 4 coming soon****